Your Robot Overlords Write Your History
The gag gift that rewrites someone's entire life story.
Give us a few details about someone you love (or tolerate). Our AI will fabricate an absurd, hilarious, completely unhinged coffee table book about them. Roast included. Accuracy not guaranteed.
Destroy Someone's DignityTakes about 5 minutes. No remorse needed.
Your Robot Overlords Write Your History
Actually, It Happened Like This
The Unauthorized, Mostly Fabricated Biography of Sarah Mitchell
Sarah Mitchell
1975
The Prophecy Is Fulfilled
Naperville, 1975: A Town Braces for Impact
According to recently declassified documents from the Naperville Department of Unlikely Events, the birth of Sarah Mitchell in 1975 coincided with the largest recorded migration of Canadian geese in DuPage County history. Scientists have never been able to explain this. The Naperville Sun ran the headline 'LOCAL INFANT ARRIVES; GEESE ALSO ARRIVE; COINCIDENCE?' Spoiler: it was not a coincidence. What follows is the true-ish story of how one person's arrival fundamentally altered the trajectory of a small Illinois town — and possibly the space-time continuum.
1975
The Arrival
On the day Sarah Mitchell was born, three streetlights on Washington Street simultaneously exploded. The Naperville Fire Department blamed 'electrical issues.' Local conspiracy theorist Dale Wendt blamed 'the prophecy.' Both were technically correct.
Naperville, moments before everything changed forever. Note the ominous cloud formation.
The Year Everything Began
Sarah Mitchell Is Born
Naperville's population increases by one. Property values decrease by an amount that may or may not be related.
personalJaws Opens in Theaters
Steven Spielberg invents the summer blockbuster. Sarah Mitchell, 4 months old, is reportedly 'unmoved.'
culturalThe Great Naperville Goose Incident
14,000 geese descend on Centennial Beach on the same day as Sarah's birth. The town has never recovered.
localVietnam War Ends
The longest war in American history concludes. Sarah Mitchell claims no involvement, but the timing is suspicious.
national“I've delivered over 3,000 babies in my career, and I can honestly say that Sarah Mitchell's birth was... one of them.”
— Dr. Harold Chen, Naperville General Hospital (retired, relocated, declined further comment)
1983
The Lemonade Cartel
By age 8, Sarah had cornered the Naperville lemonade market. Operating from a stand on Hillside Avenue, she undercut every other kid on the block by 3 cents and offered a loyalty program. The operation was shut down after a neighbor reported 'aggressive upselling of cookies.'
Sarah's 'enterprise' before the shutdown. She has never forgiven the HOA.
“She was a good kid. A great kid, even. But I'm not going to lie — when the Mitchells moved, my home insurance premiums dropped 40%.”
— Gerald Hutchins, Former Neighbor, Hillside Avenue
DECLASSIFIED STATISTIC: Between 1980 and 1987, Sarah Mitchell was personally responsible for the consumption of approximately 47,000 chicken nuggets, the destruction of 3 mailboxes (method: bicycle), and the temporary closure of one public pool (method: redacted).
The Evidence
Sarah's bedroom wall, circa 1988. Wallpaper not visible due to poster density.
Her Walkman. Serial number NVL-0847. Retired with full honors.
How it works
Surrender the intel
Answer a few questions about your target — their hometown, their cringe music taste, their "proudest moments." We'll take it from here.
AI does its worst
Our robot overlords take the truth and twist it into the most ridiculous, over-the-top fake biography imaginable. Fake quotes, made-up awards, conspiracy theories — the works.
A masterpiece arrives
We print and ship a real, physical, hardcover coffee table book full of beautifully designed nonsense. Perfect for birthdays, retirements, or revenge.
Starting at $79
9×7" hardcover · 40-60 pages of pure slop · Ships worldwide
“A book so ridiculous, it belongs on every coffee table.” — Nobody, because we just launched
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